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Nurturing Buoyancy As A Caregiver
We all know what we “should” do when we find ourselves overwhelmed and overtired in a role where we are asked to care for someone else. Whether we are an overworked mother or a husband caring for a wife with Parkinson’s disease, the challenges are similar. Our friends and family happily remind us that we need to care for ourselves and ask for help but we often feel irritated and annoyed with their suggestions. Don’t they get it!! I know what I need to do but I just don’t have time to do it! I don’t know where to start I don’t know who to ask! Actually, I don’t have anyone to ask!!! And on and on the challenges go.
Here are a few of the most common places where people stumble when caring for someone else. Have a read and see how many of them you have experienced. What if you actually placed yourself high up on your own priority list? What if you really did ask for help when you needed it? What if you took a little time to care for yourself?
I am overwhelmed, overworked, and overtired! I know I need to change something but I can’t figure out where to start!
Any type of chronic disease or ongoing challenge impacts every part of your life. Draw a circle, divide it into sections and label each one with the important parts of your life. As you look at each section, decide which one offers the easiest and most helpful small change you could make. Take the bold step and make this change to once again feel in control of your circumstance.
Stressed! Am I stressed? I haven’t had time to notice.
Stress shows up in many different ways in our lives. Take time every day to stop and notice exactly how you are feeling. If you have a nagging health complaint, are feeling exhausted all the time, are withdrawing from your life or are angry and impatient most days, you are stressed. Do something concrete to care for yourself NOW rather than wait until things get worse.
Yes, I have lots of unanswered questions and concerns but I am afraid to ask them. They might seem silly and the doctor is really busy.
YOUR questions matter. Keep a paper handy when you can jot down your questions as you think of them and take this page with you when you go to appointments. Speak up for yourself and ask for answers. If you are unable to find answers there, look for other resources that will help.
Self care. I don’t have time and, besides, it feels selfish to make time for what I love when there is so much else that is more important.
Self care is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Caregivers have a 50% higher rate of illness than the general population so take time to do the things that fill your soul and offer rest. Decide for yourself what this is and don’t be swayed by the well intentioned ideas of others.
Would I like some help? Of course I would! Do I ask for it? No, not really. I will ask for help when I really, really, need it and right now I am “fine”.
Please don’t wait to ask for help until you are sinking. Create a community of support around yourself and your family now and then don’t consider it a sign of weakness to lean on them when you need to.
I keep doing thing for my husband but he doesn’t seem to appreciate it. I just can’t get it “right” and he often criticizes the things that I do.
We all feel and experience love differently. Notice both for yourself and for your friend or family member with Parkinson’s disease which type of help feels most caring. It might be a kind and gentle touch, it might be caring and affirming words, it might be the offering of small gifts, it might be quality time spent together, or it might be simply doing something helpful. The book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is a great resource for this topic.
I feel like my wife and I are growing apart. I know we are still husband and wife and love each other but if often feels more like we are patient and caregiver or strangers in the same house.
Make time for intimacy and connection. Build a strong friendship, manage your conflicts when they happen, and honour each other’s dreams. Spend time together redesigning the dreams you have and look for ways to make them happen despite the disease.
I take regular breaks to do things on my own but they don’t seem to help. The whole time I am away I am thinking about my mom or my baby and worrying about what is going on at home.
Compassion fatigue happens when you care too much for too long. You need to find ways to put down your worry when you take a break rather than simply carry it with you. This might include having someone stay with your family member or friend while you go out in order for you to get a true, restful, break.
Am I making a difference? Hmmmmmm Perhaps I am even though I am not perfect.
Everything you do makes a difference. Give up trying to do it perfectly. Just care and do your best. That is more than enough.
Finding that often elusive balance isn’t easy, no matter what our circumstance. Coaching offers something very unique in places where people feel overwhelmed by their life and the demands that it contains. If you are feeling lost in your life and are looking for an empowering way out, give me a call. I am pleased to offer a few hour of sample coaching – an hour that might just help you see your whole story a little differently.